Thursday, June 7, 2012

Oh, Deer!

My family is big on the running gag, especially with puns.  Just as I love a good book series, we love a good inside joke that runs through a story.  I wonder why that is?I kind of think that I like inside jokes because it makes me feel like I'm a part of what's going on, I'm "in the know", so to speak.  And I've probably passed this on to my kids.

Of course this comes from my terrible childhood, in which I was that annoying smart kid who probably wasn't really excluded by anyone except the really elite popular kids, all of whom are now living in trailers or are guests of the state.  But I FELT excluded. 

So when I got a little older and started to get a little bit of a sense of humor, I latched on to any thread that I could carry through the day.  Now I'm that annoying not-as-smart woman who tells the same amusing anectdote until she's pretty sure everyone has heard it at least twice. 

So here is the latest in the Stanley Family lexicon of experiences:

Last night, the Big Guy out of town, me home alone in bed, I was about to settle into Still Into You,  the new release by Roni Loren, when my phone rang. It was number two son.  Phone calls from any teenager that come after 10 p.m. are always answered with trepidation.  Phone calls after 10 p.m. when mom is reading smut are met with trepidation and irritation, but that's another post. 

Me: "Hi, Sam"
The Sam Stanley Experience:  "Mom, I hit a deer."

Me, rapidly readjusting my plans for the next hour: "Are you okay, blah blah blah"
TSSE: "I'm fine, but the deer's pretty messed up.  His leg is all flopping around."

Me:  "Call the police, they'll come deal with the deer."

I dragged The Bearded Wonder (AKA number one son) out of bed to come along, because I know he'll remember the name of the towing company that we have a contract with  (Note:  this is not because we have THAT many accidents.  It's because we own a tire and auto repair shop), and he'll be able to assess the damage to TSSE's vehicle. 

I toyed briefly with the idea of bringing along my .22 rifle, because if the police weren't there soon and the deer was in extreme distress, I wanted to be able to put it out of it's misery, but I'm not quite sure what the rules are about hunting still-living road-kill in residential areas.  I DO live in Kentucky, so those rules are a little blurry, but still. 

Anyway.  The Sheriff's deputies in all their extreme cuteness were there, as was the resident of the house with an injured deer and smooshed Honda in it's yard.  The homeowner said if it was colder out, he'd take the deer, but he was tired and didn't feel like gutting it, and his aunt would have a shit fit if she got up and there was a dead deer hanging from a tree in the yard (ya think?).  I have some hunter friends, too, but it was midnight, and didn't figure anyone would want to drag themselves out of bed for this...though I could be wrong.  I'll take a survey and note who goes on speed dial for the next deer collision. 

Anyway.  The car got towed, the report got filed, the cop promised that after we were all gone, he'd take care of Bambi.  I kinda wanted to stick around for that, given my newly discovered inner Bad Ass...not because I wanted to watch the deer die, I just wanted to check out the fire power Deputy Cuteness was carrying.  But we dutifully returned to our vehicle, which was parked in a driveway across the street.

And coming down that driveway was a woman in her late fifties, smoking a cigarette, bleach blonde hair a little bedheady. 

Me:  "Sorry for disturbing you.  My son hit a deer, the police are going to take care of it."
Smoking Lady:  "Where did it come from?"

Me:  "Huh?"
SL:  "Did it come from this direction?"
TSSE:  "Yeah, it came from right about here" (indicates the front yard of Smoking Lady)

SL:  "Oh, no. That was probably one of our babies."
All Three of the Stanleys:  "Uh..."
SL:  "Since they put that subdivision in, destroyed all their woods, they don't have nowhere to go.  So we feed 'em.  Put in a salt lick, too. This year we've got twins that come."

SSE: "It was an accident."
Bearded Wonder: "It was full grown, not a fawn."

SL:  "Well, I sure will miss it."

Oh. My. God.  Okay, yeah, deer are pretty.  I don't like to see them dead.  It's cool to see them when they aren't coming at your windshield,  in the headlights, literally.  But here in the midwest, we have a major over-population issue with deer.  There are more deer around now than there were in Daniel Boone's time.  The subdivision that went in did not reduce any deer numbers.  It gave them a golf course to cavort on, lots of hostas to chew on, but I don't think they're endangered.  And can I just say that if you live near a busy, windy thoroughfare, and you feed deer in your yard, you might be providing more opportunities for teenaged drivers to get in accidents?  ARGH!

Sorry.  I lost the amusing anectdote thread there for a minute. 

We Stanley's got in my car to go home, assuring TSSE that it was an accident, don't feel bad, Deer.  Bambi's with his dad now. 

But I think TSSE is still a little shaken up.  I could use some more deer puns...anyone got any to offer up? 


  1. So glad Sam is okay! I have a Hitting-a-deer story. My husband and I were coming back along I-35 in Oklahoma and saw a deer crossing sign. He made the comment of, "Man,it would be a bad deal if a deer tried to cross this."

    Less than an hour later, we were on the side of the road with a dead deer and a totaled Dodge Ram. Yes, it was a very bad deal.

    In our case, someone did stop and ask the Highway Patrol if he could take the deer and my husband cut off one (yes, just one) antler.

    Why one? Because I was trapped in the truck with two completely freaked out dogs and a nice officer asking me to exit through a door that would no longer open. I finally gritted my teeth and said, "Could you get my husband for me, please?"

    and the road-kill hunter guy took off with the body while Scott was getting me out.

    I hope Sam doesn't blame himself. It shouldn't upset him too deerly. <- See what I did there?

  2. Ugh. Glad Sam is okay.

    Deer are a big problem here in northern VA, too. Those suckers can do some serious damage. One actually hit TG's Jeep when he driving to work one day. Note that I said IT hit the Jeep--it jumped into the road as TG was driving by, and rammed into the driver's side door. (Thank goodness TG had put the doors back on that morning; otherwise, he would have had a deer in his lap.) Did $2500 worth of damage to a frickin' Jeep. And, of course, it hopped away just fine. Sheesh.

  3. So glad your son it okay. And how dare that deer prevent you from reading my smut!. The nerve.

    And we don't have deer problems in my area just suicidal rabbits that seem to jump in front of my car even when I'm the only car on the road. It's like they're waiting for someone to pass.